I’ve been nervous to do this. To get back on this horse I never knew how to ride in the first place. I’ve been nervous because my last post was my 20 week pregnancy update. Our daughter was born on August 8th, 2017. She was born 7 weeks early due to me developing preeclampsia in my 33 week of carrying her. Evelyn is fine. She’s more than fine. She’s a fighter. She’s stubborn. She’s beautiful. She’s everything magical. She spent 29 days in the NICU. 29 days of not wanting to learn to eat. 29 days of pure exhaustion and humility. 29 days of fully holding on to the hope that God has stored away in my heart... Like I said. She’s great and there should be no reason for me to be nervous to be writing. And yet I feel like I’ve lost so much of myself when I became a mom. I know a lot of women suffer from this same loss. I look back and wonder how I can find the Aubrie I once knew. The Aubrie that didn’t suffer from PTSD or extreme anxiety. The Aubrie that wasn’t controlled by her moods swings. I lost her somewhere along the way. But I bet if I went up to Akron Children’s I could see her sitting in the parking garage staring out her car window wondering when the weight of the world would fall off her shoulders. But what, or who, I always seem to over look is the kind, gentle soul sitting beside me. Telling me it’s alright. His hand on my shoulder. He’s desperately trying to lean in and talk to me. Trying to whisper in my ear that He has things under control. To trust. So I do. Every day is a battle. Every day is a battle. I’ll say it again for the people in the back. Every day is a battle. Every day is a battle to trust in the Lord. To be led by the Holy Spirit and to give myself to Him daily. I think this is such a challenge because I want to do everything for E. To be her all. I have always wanted to be a mom. It has felt like my calling ever since I knew children came from women. So to have the things that happened during the last week of pregnancy and then the 29 days to follow felt like a joke. A cruel joke. To wonder if/when she would come home. To know we shouldn’t try to have another baby. But that isn’t God talking! Daily I have to change my tone of voice and praise Him from whom all blessings flow. E is our greatest gift. And she is His. Not mine. Not Austin’s. She is God’s.
You know, I didn’t want this to be another Christian blog. I never sought out for it to be that way. I’ve always wanted it to be a place where I can put my thoughts. But it is a Christian blog. And within its virtual pages you will see how He has changed so many things! I’m not sure how often I’ll write but today I needed to get that off my chest. If you made it through that, thank you. Please be patient with me. I have a lot to grow through during this, still, difficult time postpartum.
Love always,
Aubrie
